Women we make our own choices

So the other day I heard something that was so ridiculous it made we want to scream. Being single and a women in her thirties in some cultures is a sin, its a sign of failure! Obviously no man wants you, and your chances of having a child are falling day by day. As a parent of said child, your friends, families will be looking at you and thinking 'I wonder what is wrong with so and so's child' and finding all sorts of reasons why your daughter is a childless spinster. I've friends who been told by their parents not to buy a house, because a man wants to buy a home for you or an expensive car - because you don't want to scare him off.


Maybe they are right, being married to someone who thinks that way is better than being highly successful and spending your hard earned money as you please. All the time you put into studying, your career or business well you shouldn't be able to enjoy the fruits of that labour at all. However even though this is ridiculous its still not as preposterous as what I heard.


A guy was being blamed for 'time-wasting' basically staying in a relationship for a long period of time without it leading to an engagement ring of marriage certificate. Now you'll probably thinking why was that annoying, and why did it insense you? So here goes:


1. It makes a woman sound as if she has no choice in the matter, as grown adults we make choices. You cannot (unless kidnapped) chose to be somewhere you do not want to be.


2. No-one can waste your time. If you are in a relationship that doesn't seem to be heading where you want it to go then you need to move on. If you choose not to then you are either happy with how its going, or would prefer to be happier with the person than unhappy without them.
I'm sometimes tardy, but I hardly ever wait for others who are. Sorry I've got stuff to do I can't wait on you (ironic I know).


3. This is something that is only said to women - he was wasting your time, he took your best years etc etc. I personally believe if you want something in life you make plans to get it. Your boss won't promote you - you start applying elsewhere. You want to go on that holiday, buy that house, car etc - you start saving towards it.  You've been in a relationship for a few years and you are not on the same page. You turn the page and look for someone who is.


The only person at fault, to blame is the person who stayed.

Affirmative Action & Mindy Kayling's brother

One of the problems with fame it appears is that your family & friends (in some cases) try to ride your coat tails to the bank. Luckily for Mindy Kayling - producer, director, comedian, actress and author, her brother chose a different path and has written a book that focuses on how in 1998 he posed as a black man to successfully apply to medical school (should I underline luckily). Now for those of you who don't know who Mindy Kayling is, she is the protagonist in The Mindy Project and was in the US version of The Office, both of which she also wrote scripts for.

Her brother on the other hand is a  [left blank so you can make your own assertions] and has written a book Almost Black, which shares his experience of how he used affirmative action policies to get into medical school with a 3.1GPA. Vijay Chokal - Ingam supposedly classified himself as African American on his medical school application and states that to maintain the illusion whilst at Louisania State Medical School he continued to pretend to be so. He argues that the 11 schools who invited him to interview did so because he was black and they wouldn't have done so as an Indian-American. Although he doesn't substantiate if he sent more or less (with relevant parts changed to support ethnicity) identical applications in, or if the 'Indian' applications were rejected. Vijay uses this as an example of why affirmative action is a bad thing.

His argument is similar to others (see his blog post on almostblack.com) it doesn't help those who really need it. Rich kids utilise the quotas, the truly underprivileged kids those who may not have access to good schools, need financial aid etc etc are missing out. And I'm sure this is the case as Vijay is probably not the only person who has taken advantage of the system. But
if affirmative action as it stands isn't the answer what is; because it's clear the groups that it helps to give access women, certain ethnic groups and the disabled are still underrepresented in the top jobs, best schools and or some cases just in college at all. Do you really think Sheryl Sanderberg would set up Lean In if all was well.

The other day I read an article about non-white women who worked in the STEM sector in the US, which shares research into the experience of men/women and then non white women working in those sectors. Women suffered discrimination but for non- white women it was even worse and this wasn't just in the workplace this was also whilst studying. Let's just say if you'd spent thousands of dollars on a science degree, masters and PHD that balance is going to be way above that glass ceiling you're trying to break. I also recently read a headline that said that in 16 states in the US more black men were in jail than college! College isn't for everyone, but in my opinion prison is a place you should never have to visit unless maybe for peaceful protesting.

Dealing with how to give people an equal footing needs policies and processes that help the truly disadvantaged, and Vijay is probably right African, WASP, Indian or green - American with the advantages he had (good schools, wealthy parents) maybe a 3.1 GPA wasn't good enough to get into medical school. Or if you look at it from a completely different viewpoint maybe the admissions staff had other biases that meant that even for an advantaged black man a 3.1 was where the bar was set.

Travelling whilst black

So I'm currently in Malaysia on a two week holiday. Yesterday and today was spent watching the Malaysian Grand Prix, a truly fantastic experience - but I'm a F1 fan , maybe not so great for anyone who isn't. Anyway whilst on the race track today after the race, yes I climbed over the barriers and stood on the finishing straight (I may never does this again) I was asked by another tourist (from China) to appear in a video for a friend. I initially thought they were asking me to film them; but low and behold it appeared that was not the case.

They wanted a feature video from two black people which they would show at their friends wedding with me and my travel buddy  (also black) saying 'congratulations on your wedding yeah'! Obviously I asked why us - I needed to check I wasn't a doppelganger for an obscure singer making waves in Asia, but alas that wasn't the case it was because [we're] awesome (major side eye here, I just wanted to hear his response). This is like Hong Kong all over again, when people randomly took their photos with me in the background - yeah I could see what you were doing!

The joys of travelling whilst black - please note I'm not a circus freak, but yes I am awesome!!!

A diverse marketing team pays, so implement them and stop talking about it!!

During the last couple of months I've seen and read the marketing industry discuss and debate the need for greater diversity in the industry and how that can happen.  More apprenticeships, talent programmes, positive discrimination etc etc. But yet some of these discussions have utilised rhetoric which in itself shows the industry still doesn't understand the problem.

In this week's Marketing Week it mentions people not coming through the established university route as one of the potential reasons for a lack of diversity (by the way I went to an established uni and know many who did too). Therefore making an assumption that there is a need to consider lowering the entry routes at graduate level  to compensate. Is that what we want for BME graduates to possibly be considered or even employed on a completely different standard/requirements to their white counterparts!?? Is affirmative action the solution .... I'm not sure. Although the industry does need to reconsider what the entry requirement is at this level, or even be more attractive to all.

However it's not just an issue for those entering the industry at graduate level, there is also a need to provide more opportunities for entry through apprenticeships as well as to develop and support existing BME marketeers to reach the top echelons. Many of my fellow BME  marketing counterparts have left organisations and set up their own businesses due to not being able to progress or the perception of a glass ceiling. Whether or not this was the case, the fact they didn't see anyone (or very few) that looked like them as a head of, director or chief marketing officer or equivalent may have been a contributing factor.

For those of you who don't work in marketing you may be asking why its necessary for organisations to have diverse marketing teams, middle management and senior leadership that is more representative of their audiences. Just think about the adverts that fail to include any ethnic representation although customers from these groups have effectively grown the business and remained loyal to it.  The adverts and campaigns that use stereotypical characters that you find patronising or even derogatory. Why we are still questioning (with astonishment) why make-up beauty brands do not sell their full product lines here in the UK (including full colour spectrum), but do in the States? We know black women spend significantly more money than white women on hair and beauty £ for £ so you would think it was a no brainer wouldn't you!!!!?? It's because they lack an understanding of particular segments of their (potential) market and diverse teams would help them not only be much more customer centric but also provide an opportunity to bring in new solutions, develop new products and lines open new markets etc. It's a win, win for all.

I'm glad that the industry is opening it's eyes to the problem. I just hope they realise - that like womens pay, and the fact that there a large number of women in the industry but yet men are most likely to be in senior positions - it's not just something to talk about for ages and not really do anything about. We need to put in steps through all levels to create a more diverse and better representative industry for all, and this problem is not just the marketing departments or agencies to solve. More diverse businesses and not just at entry level or in low skilled positions benefits us all!!

Need to be inspired Karen Blackett Chief Executive MediaCom  

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/jobs/11234164/Karen-Blackett-I-havent-been-openly-judged-on-gender-or-skin-colour-but-Im-sure-it-goes-on-behind-my-back.html

Image credit: The Telegraph online

Self-love or one step too far

So the other day a status popped up on my Facebook timeline and when I saw it I knew I had a strong opinion on it. I read 'Woman marries herself' and initially I thought 'this is part of the problem, some people are so fixated on the wedding ceremony rather than the actual focus of getting married and what that means' ends Nadie on her high horse!!! But then I read the article and it appeared to be a self-love affair, 'the bride' promising to love and honour herself, something that should be applauded I guess. And with 1 in every 2 African-American women expected to be single to kingdom come can you blame her for having her very own wedding ...although the bridesmaids and being given away may be a little too much (trying to be shade free).

Thoughts - are you single and believe you may never marry?Are you in a long term committed relationship but still would like to be a 'wife'? Would you 'marry yourself' and with so many women not expressing self-love, is a self-love declaration actually a good thing? You tell me.

Oh yeah you can check out photos of the wedding here http://www.weddingdigestnaija.com/black-woman-marries-herself-cause-she-couldnt-find-a-husband-by-the-time-she-turned-40/

N

Reflection

Just took a look at this and realised I hadn't written anything for ages. There has been so much that I could have or should have written about but alas I failed on this one. I will endeavour to be more focused from now on, but I can't make any promises. However I can say that the last 12 months have been a bit of a rollercoaster with amazing highs and some lows and part of my lack of blog activity is due to this.

Anyway that's all in the past and lets just say year 34 of my life not great & year 35 so far so good. You may recall me sharing that my new year starts on my birthday, but that doesn't mean I can't get in on the annual looking back that happens at  this time every year. Here is my 2014 in review (drum roll please) - particular highlights have been:

- Solange's wedding, yep you know I love me some Solange and there were so many things I loved about this. I mean if I was a teenager I would print out the photos and stick them on my wall, instead I share them on my social accounts (aren't we all really just big kids). An amazing sharing of love, hubby, girls, family & son that seemed to represent her style. So epic, if I get married there are elements of this I will steal, although photos will be less Vogue and more Vanity Fair.

-  The 'black lives matter' protest, they do! It's a shame that people had to lose their lives for people to see this, but I'm hopeful that a change is gonna come (I had to). The fact that the protests continue is also promising, it's not just a #hashtag it appears to be a movement -lets hope it lasts.

- Good tv especially over the last couple of months; Homeland,The Fall, The Missing and loads more. I've actually taken a break from the black reality shows as there is something good to watch on the box, plus they depress/scare/delude me. Don't worry I'll be catching up with them over the Christmas break - I know what I said before but I know I'll be catching up with RHOA and LHHNY.

- London continues to be an amazing city, this year I've been to so many pop ups, film and music festivals, amazing exhibitions, eaten tonnes of great street food and more. My love affair with London continues and every time I make that journey across Blackfriars bridge to my weave specialist after running out of work to catch the train (Lol different hairdressers for different styles is how I roll) to South London, I fall in love with how magical this city is all over again. I adore that view!!!

- Missed artists returning to the fore, Prince, D'Angelo and even Jodeci miming at the Soul Train awards and releasing a new video. Although to be fair I didn't miss Jodeci; I thankfully saw them perform live 20 years ago and haven't been scarred by recent shambolic performances, soz I'm tired and can get a bit bitchy.  I'm also very excited by lots of great music and musicians I've been introduced to this year.

Not so great

- The whole thing about The Interview, I'm scared to say the country's name - can you imagine what may happen?! Although I'm sure if nations with anti-democratic/American ideologies made films about assassinating POTUS the US wouldn't be that happy!!!  Reading the Sony leaked emails has been interesting - I know I shouldn't but I can't resist.

All of our girls still aren't back!!!!!!

Do they know it's Christmas time, not only does it perpetuate an idea of Africa that is a bit holier than thou, assumes that Africa is one big country but it's also factually incorrect. I'm sure lots of Africa's inhabitants are not that concerned about this special period for Christians.

These argurments on intersectionality in feminism, the continuation of the natural hair = blackness/self-love debate (is it 1969) and anything else that wastes time talking about stuff that is of little consequence and takes our eyes of the ball. LIKE THIS BLOG.

That being said I'm out, I will be back in 2015x

New girl crush alert

So of late I've been crushing on Angela Simmons, niece of Russell Simmons and daughter of Rev Run. So I wasn't a big fan of Run's House and I found everyone but Run and the middle son annoying and especially hated Angela's nasal monotone voice but the power of social media - Instagram has provided an insight into how Angela has continued to grow her empire and is now leading the style pack.

Here is a quick run down of why I'm crushing on Angela:

She is a successful business woman and her empire runs further than just Pastry it includes IamAngela which sells clothes and hair.

She is into fitness which I find inspiring she is constantly pushing herself to improve her health and what her body is able to do. A great motivator for me especially when I'm struggling to go to the gym or to my NTC bootcamp.

She seems to be getting her styling down to a T. I love that when she was in Nigeria she represented in ankara styles and silk wrappers and continues to wear them in the States. I also like that she wears highstreet (online) like Virgo's Lounge. One of my go to's for occasion wear - weddings, award dinners, birthday celebrations etc.

All photos from Angela Simmons Instagram account